My teacher is so old…
" they've already nailed the coffin shut".
"she gets a seniors discount at the nursing home!"
"her wrinkles weigh more than she does!"
"she showed us a yearbook from 1500 B.C.!"
"she considers Shakespeare to be 'new-fangled modern art'!"
"she personally knew Shakespeare!"
"she remembers the tragedy when the dinosaurs died!"
"she has wrinkles on her palms."
"she's mentioned in the Old Testament."
"she can't even remember her own name!"
"she taught cave men to start a fire."
"she edited the bible for mistakes!”
"she claims that she invented the question mark!"
"we looked up the word 'ancient', and there was full definition with her name and a big picture of her smiling..."
"she knows how to speak cave-man language!"
My dog is so ugly…
"We had to pay the fleas to live on him!"
"he has to sneak up on his dish to eat".
"we have to pay people to pet it"
"I have to tie a $100 bill on it so people will pet it!"
"the fire hydrants disguise themselves!"
"you can't tell if she's coming or going"
"he saw himself in a mirror and ran away!"
"you could shave its butt and it would look like it was walking backwards”
"you have to put a bag over him to pet him!"
"fleas won't even live on him!"
"I have to tie a pork chop around his neck to get other dogs to play with him!”
"his leash high-tails it when I try to take him for a walk."
" we have to wait 'till midnight to take him on walks."
"he only has cat friends!" Justin, from Dexter, Missouri Grand Prize Winner
My sister uses so much makeup…
"she broke a chisel trying to get it off last night!"
"she bought out Mary Kay just to have enough makeup for one day!"
"Marilyn Manson freaked out when he saw her!"
"when she takes it off, my mom doesn't recognize her."
"she has to use a sandblaster to get it off at night."
"that I haven't seen her real face for years ..."
"when she smiles her cheeks fall off."
"when she smiles, cracks the size of the Grand Canyon form in the surface."
"by the time she gets it all on, it's time to take it off!"
"she weighs 50 pounds more when she's done!"
"at night she has to get the paint scraper to take it off."
"when she takes it off she loses 30 pounds!"
"she could pass as a clown at the circus."
"the artist formerly known as Prince gets ideas from her."
"you could scrape off just the outer layer and put it on five other girls."
"she looks like my grandmother!"
The town I grew up is so isolated…
"it makes ghost towns look popular"
"our theatre is still waiting to get Charlie Chaplin movies..."
" I don't even know where it is!"
"the only friend I had was a duck."
"I was the only one there."
"we just recently got news of this 'new fangled' technology called VCRs."
"We had to drive to the city for gossip"
"we lived in huts because it cost too much to get houses out there."
"'paper, scissors, rock' is considered a high-tech game!"
"if someone left they wouldn't be able to find their way back."
"it takes three days just to get to the grocery store!"
"that even the cows don't bother to moo!"
"even insects won't live there."
My aunt is so fat…
"when she lies down she's as tall as she is standing up"
"you have to take 2 trains and a bus to get on her good side."
"when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!"
"every time she turns around it's her birthday."
"that elephants throw peanuts at her"
"that she can't even sit in a cable car or the lines will snap"
"her belly button has an echo"
"her blood type is 'Rocky Road'"
"when she steps into an elevator, it only goes down."
"when she walks by the TV, I miss 3 shows!"
"she has to iron her pants in the driveway!"
"you can sit a tea cup on her stomach and it won't fall off!!"
"when she walks, other people start yelling 'earthquake'
" I could slap her thigh and ride the wave!"
"She has more layers than the earth's surface!"
Other hyperbole:
"Your sister's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet"
"Your sister is so dumb, she walked by the YMCA and thought they spelled MACY'S wrong"
"My history teacher's so old, he lived through everything we've learned about ancient Greece"
"I think of you a million times a day”
"The test was so hard, by the time I finished it I was 100 years old!"
"Saskatchewan is so flat, you can see your dog run away for 4 days!"
"Your momma is so dumb, she got locked in the grocery store and starved to death!"
"Your momma is so dumb, she thought TACO BELL was a Mexican phone company."
"It was so cold, even the polar bears were wearing jackets."
"Our library is so old, its book pages are numbered with roman numerals ... written by the Romans!"
"My girlfriend is so popular, she has her own 900 number."
"That boy's eyes are so big, they look like they're going to jump out and grab you!
"My best friend is so forgetful, I sometimes have to remind her what her name is!"
"The Eiffel Tower is so big, when I looked up I nearly got whiplashed!"
Louder Than a Clap of Thunder
Louder than a clap of thunder,
louder than an eagle screams,
louder than a dragon blunders,
or a dozen football teams,
louder than a four alarmer,
or a rushing waterfall,
louder than a knight in armor
jumping from a ten-foot wall.
Louder than an earthquake rumbles,
louder than a tidal wave,
louder than an ogre grumbles
as he stumbles through his cave,
louder than stampeding cattle,
louder than a cannon roars,
louder than a giant's rattle,
that's how loud my father SNORES!
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